


Deer Are Dear

by freeasthebirds



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Deer puns, Friendship, Gen, Humor, MWPP, Marauders, Marauders' Era, puns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-01
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2018-09-21 09:28:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9541553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freeasthebirds/pseuds/freeasthebirds
Summary: James Potter loves deer. They are dear to him. The rest of the Hogwarts population, on the other hand, may just love deer in an entirely different way, much to the horror of one stag Animagus.





	1. Venison

James and Sirius entered the Great Hall with identical smirks adorning their faces. Grinning at a scowling Professor McGonagall, they went over to the Gryffindor table and slipped in between Remus and Peter.

Remus eyed the two pranksters warily. “What did the two of you do this time?”

“Oh you know, the usual. We were just messing with a few first years, nothing too drastic,” Sirius answered flippantly, piling food onto his plate.

“I think you have to re-evaluate your definition of drastic,” Remus muttered.

“Don’t be such a wet blanket, Moony. You should join in on the fun more often,” James grinned.

Remus grimaced, recalling the last time he joined in on the ‘fun’. The Marauders had decided to break into Professor McGonagall’s private quarters and ‘decorate’ her room. However, their plans were dashed when said professor decided to hold an impromptu drinking session with their headmaster, forcing the four boys to scurry for cover under a table and witness the drunken acts of their professors. Needless to say, Remus was scarred for life. He didn’t think he could look at the stern witch without visualizing her dancing and singing Weird Sisters songs in a frilly pink dress with Professor Dumbledore ever again.

“No thanks, I prefer my sanity intact,” Remus replied.

“I don’t think anyone here is sane,” Sirius joked, stuffing food into his mouth. “Especially not Prongsie here. He’s still obsessing over Lily Evans.”

James looked indignant. “I’m not _obsessing_ over her. I’m just… concerned with her well-being.”

The other three boys shot James incredulous looks.

“You’re _stalking_ her, James. You even watch her when she’s sleeping!” Sirius exclaimed.

“I do not!” James protested. “And we’re not allowed in the girls’ dormitory! How am I supposed to watch her when she’s sleeping?”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Don’t play dumb, I caught you watching Lily Evans' name on the Marauders’ Map just the other night.”

“Oh… well… that was… just…” James stuttered.

“Only Lily Evans could reduce James Potter to this state,” Sirius stage-whispered to Remus and Peter.

James swatted Sirius’s arm. “Shut up and eat your food, Padfoot.”

“Right, food.”

There was a moment of silence between the four boys, their mouths occupied with the usual Hogwarts fare, before Sirius broke it.

“You know, one of the things I appreciate most about Hogwarts’ house elves is that they know how to cook meat properly,” He said.

Peter nodded in agreement. “And they also serve foods that I don’t get to eat at home.”

“Yeah, like venison!” Sirius replied enthusiastically, taking another big bite of his food.

James paled. “V-venison?” He squeaked.

“Mm hmm. I just love the wild flavor of venison, and it’s wonderful how they melt and burst in your mouth. Mm… it’s like heaven in a bite,” Sirius sighed dreamily.

James gasped, eyes wide in horror. He looked between the dish and Sirius’ face, looking greener by the minute.

“James? Are you all right?” Remus queried, looking worried at his friend’s behavior.

James stood shakily. “I… how… y-you… YOU MURDERER!!!” He yelled at Sirius.

Sirius looked offended. “Excuse me?”

“You’re eating me! You… you… argh! How can you eat that?!” James cried.

“I’m not eating you! Why would I even want to eat you? Yuck! What are you talking about?” Sirius said irritably. “And it’s not my fault that venison is sooo chewy-”

At the word ‘chewy’, James’s face drained of all color before his eyes rolled to the back of his head and he collapsed on the floor with a loud thump.

Sudden silence ensued from the other tables as they stared at the ringleader of the Marauders sprawled on the floor of the Great Hall. Meanwhile, Remus and Peter were shooting accusing glares at Sirius.

“What? I didn’t do anything!” Sirius protested, unnerved by the glowers from the calmest members of the group.

Remus sighed in exasperation. He turned to Peter, “Remind me again, why are we friends with him?”

Peter shrugged, “He makes a nice comedic punch bag?”

“Hey!” Sirius said indignantly.

“Yeah, he does,” Remus said, ignoring Sirius’ angry mutters. “Though sometimes I wonder if the hassle is worth it.”

“You can always gag him again,” Peter suggested, watching as Frank Longbottom nudged James’ head with the tip of his shoe. “I mean, it did shut him up for a while.”

Remus nodded thoughtfully. “Yeah, but maybe I’ll take it a step further this time…”

“Well I’m sure it’s a good idea, whatever you’re thinking, but maybe we should save James first…?” Peter looked pointedly at the various students drawing on James’ face.

Remus’ gaze roved over James’ prone body. “Nah,” He said finally with an impish grin. “What kind of friends would we be if we denied him this moment of fame? After all, it’s not every day one has people scrambling all over you to mark you.”

“Spoken like a true Marauder!” Sirius exclaimed proudly, his earlier anger forgotten. “Y’know, there’s something that I never did get a chance to draw on James because he always rolls over in his sleep. Just imagine how mad he’ll be when he realizes that image on his face!”

With those gleeful words, Sirius joined the horde of students clamoring for their turn while Remus and Peter watched on.

 


	2. James Loses His Head

James sat at the Gryffindor table, glaring at his so-called ‘best mate’. His face was slightly red, though no one knew for sure if it was anger or a result of the intense scrubbing session to remove the unflattering illustrations drawn on his face.

“Oh c’mon, you can’t still be mad at me, Prongs! I mean, sure, my drawing may have took the longest to scrub out, but-”

“I don’t care about the stupid drawing!” James interrupted Sirius. “What I care about is the fact that you’re eating th-that _thing_ again!”

Sirius stared at his agitated friend. “What? Do you mean venison? What’s your problem with it, man?”

“Seriously? Have you not figured it out yet?” Remus said in exasperation.

“Well obviously not, because you two won’t share anything with me!” Sirius said crossly.

“We didn’t think we _had_ to share, because the answer is fairly obvious,” Peter deadpanned.

“Not to me! So stop hoarding the information and share it with the rest of the class!”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Alright, fine. Let me ask you this: what is James’ Animagus form?”

“A stag. Duh.” Sirius replied with a ‘why are you asking me this’ look in his eye.

“And you do know that a stag is a male deer, right?” Remus asked slowly.

“Of course! Everybody knows that! And what’s the point of these useless questions?”

Remus ignored the question and continued in an aggravated tone, “And what kind of meat, may I ask, are you eating right now?”

“Deer mea- oh. Oh!” Sirius’ eyes grew wide in realization.

“Now he gets it,” Remus muttered.

Sirius’ face slowly split into a wide grin. “So… wait, are you telling me that Jamesie here fainted just because he can’t bear the thought of someone eating deer meat? Hah, that’s hilarious!”

Remus and Peter exchanged a glance. Privately, they were amused by James’ reaction, but wisely decided not to show it in front of their currently volatile friend. Sirius, on the other hand, had no such qualms, his boisterous laughter making up for the silence of the other three.

“Ehm…” Peter shot a wary glance at James’ hardening face. “Maybe you should try to lay off eating venison? I mean, it’s only polite, after all…”

Sirius chortled. “Me? Lay off venison? Perish the thought!”

“Well, how would you like it if I ate dog meat?” James finally snapped.

“Don’t be ridiculous, nobody eats dog meat,” Sirius scoffed.

“The Chinese people do! I saw them selling dog meat at the market when my parents brought me to China last summer,” Peter piped up.

“B-but dogs! How can they eat dogs? They’re cute and cuddly and furry!” Sirius cried, gaping at Peter in shock.

“Now that you know how I feel, kindly remove that offending piece of meat from your plate,” James stated stiffly.

“Dog meat is different from venison! I mean, venison is meant to be eaten and dog meat isn’t!” Sirius argued.

“Besides,” Sirius continued, ignoring the outraged look on his friend’s face. “Everyone else is eating venison! Even the girl you’re completely besotted with.”

James looked horrified at that revelation. He slowly turned his head to look at the other students at the Gryffindor Table.

“EVANS!”

Lily whirled in her seat and glared at James. “What do you want now, Potter?”

“How could you, Evans? I thought you were different! That you were sweet, kind and caring! And you, Longbottom! You could have fooled me with your so called ‘speech’ about all lives are valuable the other day! Well, I know what you all are! Sodding liars and murderers!”

Lily stood up with her hands on her hips. “What on earth are you going on about, Potter?”

James rose as well and pointed an accusing finger at her. “You! All of you! Do you all care so little for the lives of others?! You ate my friend! My poor deer!”

“Your deer?” Lily repeated. “I didn’t know you had a deer.”

“All deer are my friends! My cousins! My fellow brothers and sisters! How can you eat them, you cruel people?!” James yelled.

Frank spoke up, “Hey, I don’t know what you have against venison, but deer meat is very healthy! I especially like the young ones, they’re more mild and tender.”

James’s face turned green. “ _ **Young?!** Tender?!_ H-how dare you! I-I…”

“You should try it sometime, y’know. I’m sure you’ll change your mind after the first bite. Then you can join the rest of us venison lovers! I mean, you are the only one in the hall not eating venison. How anyone can resist fresh deer meat is beyond me. ” Frank continued, oblivious to the look of horror on James’s face.

“ _Fresh?! It’s fresh?!!_ ” James shrieked. He whirled around and jabbed his fork viciously at Dumbledore. “Dumbledore! How could you allow this to happen?! How do you feel having the blood of innocents on your hands?! I would’ve never attended Hogwarts if I knew murder was being committed on the grounds!”

The Great Hall was silent as everyone stared at James Potter like he lost his head.

Professor McGonagall cleared her throat. “Mr. Potter, kindly reseat yourself and cease disrupting this meal. If this is your idea of a prank…”

“No, I will not!” James growled. “There is a crisis at hand! Poor innocent deer are being slaughtered for the satisfaction of the unfair dictators of this institution! Well, no more! I will not stand for it! From now on, all deer in England is under the protection of James Potter!”

“Potter, what are you…?” Professor McGonagall looked as if she wasn’t sure James was serious and that this wasn’t just an elaborate prank. She directed her next words at the rest of the Marauder quartet. “Would the three of you be able to explain Mr. Potter’s behavior?”

“Who, Potter? Don’t know anyone with that name. Do you, Remus?” Sirius asked in feigned confusion, deliberately turning his back to a still ranting James.

Remus shook his head. “Oh, no. Never heard that name before in my life. What about you, Peter?”

“Nope,” Peter replied. “The only one I’ve heard of is Porter, if that’s what you meant, Professor.”

Professor McGonagall did not look amused. “Stop this nonsense, you three. Now, I highly suggest you escort Mr. Potter out of the hall before I assign all of you detention.”

“What for? It’s not like we had anything to do with James’ tantrum!” Sirius protested even as he helped Remus and Peter drag their fuming friend away from the High Table.

“I will be withdrawing from this institution first thing in the morning!” James shouted, struggling against the grip of his fellow Marauders. “And I will be reporting all of you for murdering my deer!”

“Get Madam Pomfrey to take a look at Potter’s head too!” Professor McGonagall called as the quartet exited the hall.


	3. Where On Earth Is James Potter?

“Have any of you seen James?” Sirius asked Peter and Remus.

“No. I don’t think I have even seen him today,” Remus replied without looking up from his book.

“You don’t think he really left the school?” Peter worried.

“Nah, he wouldn’t.” Sirius paused and frowned in thought. “Though if he did, I’m going to skewer him for running off without bringing me with him.”

“Where could he be though?” Peter wondered. “He’s never gone for so long without telling one of us, at least.”

Sirius scowled. “I don’t know. And that twat took the Marauders’ Map with him!”

“Did you check the Quidditch Pitch or the Astronomy Tower to see if he’s there?” Peter questioned.

“Been there, done that. I searched nearly the whole castle, even the _library,_ ” Sirius said with a shudder.

“You don’t have to act as if the library is a contagious disease, you know,” Remus commented.

“No, it’s worse than that! You should see all the nerds and Ravenclaws in there! It’s as if the life has been sucked out of them!” Sirius proclaimed dramatically.

Remus rolled his eyes. “Yeah, whatever. Isn’t there something you should be doing? Like finding James, for instance?”

“Yes, and that’s what I need you for! To hunt down James!”

“Why don’t you just take Peter instead?”

“Well, Moony is better at sniffing people out than Wormtail here.”

“I’m sure Padfoot is as good as Moony at that.”

“Oh c’mon, nothing can beat werewolf senses!”

“Not in _human_ form,” Remus deadpanned. “And I’m trying to read here.”

Sirius scoffed and snatched the book from Remus’ lap. “On a weekend? No way!”

Remus gave him a dead-eyed stare. “You’re not going to leave me alone until I come with you, are you?” He said in a monotone.

“Nope!” Sirius said, popping the ‘p’.

“Ugh, fine. Peter, you’re coming too,” Remus ordered, pulling the shorter boy to his feet.

“Why do I have to come too?” Peter whined as he grabbed his wand. “Sirius himself said that Wormtail’s not good at hunting!”

“Well, if I have to suffer, then I’m not going to suffer alone,” Remus stated, following a bouncing Sirius out of the dorm room.

“Yay! Now come on, let’s go look for our ‘deer’ friend. Get it? Dear deer?”

The only response Sirius received to that was a whack to the head from an annoyed werewolf.

* * *

“Mission: Find James Potter. Current status: No progress. Agent R, Agent P, any update?”

“No, but if you don’t stop speaking like that, your _head_ will get an update,” Remus snapped.

Sirius nodded sagely. “Noted. It appears that Agent R’s irritableness is attributed to his Pre-Werewolf Syndrome.”

“Sirius…” Remus growled.

“Right. Let us recuperate in the kitchens and discuss our next plan of action. Onward, team!” Sirius commanded.

“Hey- wait, guys. I just saw Lily over there. Why don’t we ask her if she has seen James?” Peter suggested.

Sirius rubbed his chin. “Excellent idea, minion.”

Peter looked offended. “ _Minion?_ ”

“Yes, it’s a title that I do not bestow on anyone, so wear it well,” Sirius said gravely.

Remus snorted. “Nobody wants to be your minion, Sirius.”

Sirius frowned at him. “You’d do well to respect your betters, minion!”

Remus made a great show of looking around. “Betters? What betters? I don’t see any betters around here.”

Sirius puffed himself up and prepared to deliver a great lecture, but he was interrupted by a voice behind him.

“Remus?”

Remus smiled, “Hi, Lily.”

Lily raised an eyebrow at Sirius, who was eyeing her suspiciously and writing notes on an imaginary notepad. She turned back to Remus, “I just wanted to tell you that Potter is in the library, in case you’re looking for him.”

“The **_LIBRARY?!!_** ” Sirius gasped, clutching his chest. “Oh my poor poor James, what have they done to you? I knew that evil librarian would get her pincers on you one day!”

“…”

“Ignore him,” Remus sighed to Lily. “He’s just being a drama queen.”

“As usual,” Peter added.

“And thanks for telling us where James is. We’ve been looking for him for the better part of the morning. Though I have no idea what he’s doing in the library,” Remus muttered.

“That’s what I was wondering too. I mean, I know he and Black never go to the library unless it has to do with researching a spell for a prank. So naturally, I was a bit… _concerned_ when I saw him reading books on Wizarding law studiously,” Lily answered.

“ _ **Books?!**_ ” Sirius shrieked.

“ _ **Law??**_ ” Remus and Peter chorused.

“Are you sure?” Remus asked.

“Yes-”

Sirius cut Lily off. “He was reading _books?!_ ”

“Well, that’s what people generally do when they go to the library,” Lily deadpanned.

“But not James!” Sirius wailed. “Oh Merlin, the world is ending!”

“Did you happen to see what kind of law books he was reading?” Remus spoke over Sirius bawls.

Lily nodded. “Yeah, they all have something to do with animal rights.”

“Animal rights… _of course,_ ” Remus groaned.

“Does… does this have something to do with what happened at dinner yesterday?” Lily asked hesitantly.

“Probably. I thought it’d blow over by today, but apparently not. Anyway, thanks again for the information. You saved us a lot of time in hunting down our elusive member.”

Lily shrugged. “No problem. I’ll see you later, Remus. Peter.” She nodded at both of them before striding off towards the stairs.

“Sirius. Are you done?” Remus directed his question at his whimpering friend.

Sirius straightened up. “Yes, yes. We must act at once! Minions, our mission now is to rescue James from the library and the grasps of that evil Pince woman!”

“I thought you checked the library earlier? How is it that you didn’t see James there?” Peter queried.

Remus snorted. “I have high doubts on Sirius’ ability to check the library thoroughly. He probably didn’t even set a foot in the library.”

“Enough chitchat, minions! We have a mission to complete!” Sirius barked.

“For Merlin’s sake, stop calling us that! We’re not your minions!” Remus snapped.

“And weren’t we your fellow spy agents earlier?” Peter interjected. “Why did we get degraded to ‘minion’?”

“Minions do not ask questions,” Sirius said archly.

“Whatever you say, O Great One,” Remus responded, his words laced with sarcasm.


	4. S.O.D.

“Okay, now I’m convinced: You have lost your knuts.”

Sirius, Remus and Peter finally found James, and fortunately for Sirius and the sanity of the other two, they didn’t have to step a foot into the library. They ran into their elusive friend near the Hufflepuff dormitories, who then proceeded to drag them back to their dorms to show them something of great importance.

James scowled at Sirius. “No, I have not. Just hear me out, alright?”

“Alright,” Remus replied.

“S.O.D.”

“Sod yourself, Prongs!” Sirius said immediately.

James shook his head agitatedly. “Not sod! S.O.D! It stands for ‘Save Our Deer’! It raises awareness on the brutal treatment of deer among our unfortunate schoolmates who have the misfortune of attending a horrible school who condones the murder of innocent creatures!”

“…”

“I said it once and I’ll say it again: You have lost your knuts! I mean, I knew you were already short on knuts in the first place, but this is beyond crazy! Did you fall out of the crazy tree and hit every branch on the way down??” Sirius burst out.

“Just because you care more about your stomach than the welfare of deer-” James started heatedly.

“That’s not it at all! I mean, of course I love venison, but people have been eating that for hundreds of years! You can’t just stop people from eating that! Just imagine if I stopped you from eating chicken, pork, beef, mutton or fish for the rest of your life!” Sirius argued.

“He does have a point,” Remus admitted. “James, you can’t control what people eat. And you need to respect their food choices.”

“Like hell I will,” James said vehemently. “The day I accept innocent deer being hunted for the consumption of those inferior human beings is the day Sirius will shave his head bald.”

“Hey!”

James continued, “And perhaps it’ll be better if everyone was vegetarian, then-”

“ ** _WHAT??!_** ”

“Sirius-”

“NO! Have you gone completely **_MAD??!_** ”

“Yeah, just because you’re the only herbivore in the group doesn’t mean you can force your own food preferences on all of us!” Peter cried.

“Exactly! Go take your veggies somewhere else, you nasty plant-lover!” Sirius shouted angrily.

“But think of all those innocent animals! Like my deer-”

Remus cut in, “Animals eat animals too, James! It’s only natural-”

“Nothing’s natural about killing deer!”

“You and your _deer_ again!” Sirius raged. “Just because you’re a stag Animagus doesn’t mean you’re one of them, y’know!”

“You’re one to talk, Padfoot! Who was it that insisted that those wild dogs in the Forbidden Forest was their pack, huh?”

“That’s different and you know it, Stag-head!”

“No it isn’t, Dog Breath!”

“Grass-eater!

“Dirty mutt!”

“Dee-”

“Will you guys shut up?!”

Everyone stopped at the sound of the new voice in the room.

“People are trying to study upstairs, y’know! You’re making enough of a racket to shake the whole tower!” Frank Longbottom shouted, shooting all of them an annoyed look.

“It was James’ fault!” Sirius accused. “Him and his stupid campaign to turn all of us into grass-eaters!”

“Me? You were the one that _cud_ n’t handle not being a _hart_ less being!” James snapped.

“Hey, watch who you’re calling heartless, you _deer scat!_ Everyone knows that dogs have bigger hearts than those _hoof_ for brains!” Sirius retorted.

“Why, how _deer_ you! At least we don’t hunt down terrified little creatures and take pleasure in watching the light go out from their eyes!”

“That’s sick, Prongs, we don’t _doe_ that!”

“Yeah right, all you carnivores are the same-”

“Enough!”

The interruption came once again from Frank.

“Look,” He said. “I don’t care whose fault it was. I don’t even care what you guys are arguing about. I’m just asking you to take it outside the tower because you’re giving the rest of us a headache from all your yelling.”

“Oh, _deer’s_ no need _fur_ that. Because I’m getting away from here and all you horrible human beings,” James growled, stomping out of the room.

“Yeah well, we don’t need any deer activists in our room either!” Sirius called after him.

“ _Buck_ off!” They heard a distant yell from the stairs.

“…um, I guess I’ll just go now,” Frank said awkwardly as he shuffled out the door.

“Ugh, I think I have a headache too,” Peter moaned into his pillow.

“Don’t we all?” Remus muttered.

“What are we going to do about James?” Peter asked.

“I want nothing to do with that _fallow,_ ” Sirius grumbled.

Remus raised an eyebrow. “He’s your best friend.”

“The only best friends I have are Remus and Peter,” Sirius huffed.

“Right…” Remus trailed off. “He sounds really serious about his deer campaign thing _doe._ ”

Peter nodded in agreement. “Yeah, you don’t think he’s really going to get venison banned at Hogwarts?”

“He’d better not,” Sirius growled. “Hogwarts is the only place I can eat venison fresh and free.”

Remus made a face. “Unfortunately, once James has a goal, he won’t stop until he achieves it. And I believe that if he truly intends to stop venison being eaten at Hogwarts, he’ll find a way, no matter how impossible it may be.”

“I’ll _murdeer_ him before he manages to do that,” Sirius declared.

“I’m hungry.”

Sirius and Remus blinked at the sudden change in topic.

“What? It _is_ nearly lunchtime!” Peter said defensively.

“I guess it is,” Remus agreed. “We should head down.”

Sirius stood up and stretched. “I just hope we don’t have to hear another lecture on unfair treatment of deer, because it’s really _tick_ ing me off.”

“Yeah, I’m high- _tail_ ing it out of there the moment James says the word ‘deer’.” Peter added.

“By the way, I _herd_ deer are scared of dogs,” Remus said nonchalantly.

“Why Remus, that’s a _fang_ tastic fact. And I’ll bet it’d be _howl_ arious when I go check if it’s true,” Sirius smiled as the three of them exited the room.


	5. Deer, Doors and Dogs

“ _Deer_ lord, you’re not serious, are you?” Remus sighed.

“I’m definitely not Sirius, but this is no _game_ either,” James replied.

“I thought that was just a fancy _ideer_ you had! We didn’t know you would actually go through with it!” Peter exclaimed.

“ _Kiddoe,_ I am always serious about _deer_ matters,” James said solemnly.

“You’re _not_ Sirius. And will never be close to one, because I don’t associate with people of your _elk,_ ” Sirius said haughtily.

“I know you’re not very _fawn_ of me right now, but there’s no need to be a _moose_ about it,” James frowned.

Sirius shot him a scathing look. “I’m more than not _fawn_ of you. I _cud **skin**_ your _hide._ ”

“But really James,” Remus interrupted before James could reply. “How did you get Dumbledore to agree to it? He may find our pranks a _moose_ -ing, but he’s no pushover.”

“I guess he just has a soft spot for me,” James answered casually. “I mean, he always saves me from McGonagall whenever I get in a _rut._ ”

“Weren’t you mad at him? Now you’re acting as if he’s one of your _herd,_ ” Peter stated.

“Oh I was,” James assured. “But I converted him. He won’t be _chewing_ any of my friends anytime soon.”

“ _What?_ ” Came three shocked cries.

“You _converted_ him?” Sirius sputtered. “I always knew Dumble _door_ took too many _knocks_ to the head when he was a child!”

“Well, to be honest with you, I always thought he was a bit _unhinged,_ ” Remus confessed.

“Yeah, and he always has that _open door_ policy for his office. I don’t know how he _handles_ it,” Peter commented.

Sirius snorted. “If it was me, I’d just _slam_ the door in their faces.”

“You shouldn’t do that, Sirius,” Remus chided. “You might _jam_ it.”

“It’s a good thing we’re in Gryffin _door_ then. At least we won’t be afraid to jump out the window to escape!” Peter remarked.

“If you three don’t _lock_ up those door puns, I’ll _knock_ your heads off,” James cut in.

“Oh don’t be such an old _knob_  about it, one would think you’ve gone _rusty!_ ” Sirius laughed.

“Speaking of going _rusty,_ ” Remus started. “When was the last time you took a bath, Sirius? You have a really nasty _odoor._ ”

Sirius looked affronted. “Me! Have a nasty odor? That’s not a very nice thing to say! Unless this is your way of hitting on me, in which case that is _adoorable._ ”

“He _does_ have a point, y’know. You kinda stink,” James told him. “And stinking up the rest of the _door_ mitory.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault if Padfoot suddenly felt like rolling in the mud and running out _doors_ in the rain!” Sirius protested.

Peter grimaced, “You should probably bathe then. Preferably right now, before we _lock_ you out and force you to sleep in the corri _door._ ”

“Fine! And to get revenge on you meanies, I’m gonna spray a whole load of _door_ dorant on myself, the one that you guys hate!” Sirius shouted as he disappeared into the bathroom.

“Whatever, you _Labradoor!_ ” James yelled back.

“I’m not a bloody Labrador! I’m a _terrierfying_ Grim!” came the muffled reply.

“Yeah, I’m sure you’re _pawsitively_ terrifying,” Remus drawled.

“Maybe you could even scare the _fur_ off McGonagall if you tried really hard,” Peter added.

Sirius’ only response was a loud grumble, which elicited a round of laughter from his friends.

“ _Appaws, appaws!_ We have defeated the so-called pun master!” James cried.

“Probably because he’s having a _ruff_ day, so he's off his game,” Peter grinned.

“He’s just being a _poodle_ about being rejected by a girl for the first time,” Remus scoffed.

“Yeah, I get rejected everyday by Evans, but you don’t see me _whining_ about it, do you?” James laughed.

“…”

“What? I don’t!” James defended in response to the disbelieving looks he received.

“James, you always act like a _barking_ deer during _rutting_ season whenever Lily turns you down,” Remus stated.

“I _doe_ not!” James protested.

“You _doe_ too!” Peter retorted. “And you always give us that sad _doe_ -eyed look as if someone has removed your _rack!_ ”

“Oh _hoof_ it. I have never done that!” James said dismissively.

“Stop denying what you know is true. And if you really want a chance with Lily, you should stop _strutting_ around like you own the place,” Remus advised.

“And maybe stop _stalking_ her too. She says it’s creepy,” Peter informed James.

“ _Deer droppings!_ ” James scoffed. “She’ll be _fawning_ over me soon enough, you’ll see!”

“Of course, _deer,_ ” Remus said condescendingly. “That’ll happen… when _red deer_ stop being homosexual!”

“…”

“… _what?_ ” James squeaked.

“ _What_ what?”

“Wh-what did you say just now?” James whispered half-fearfully.

Remus blinked. “Um… when red deer stop being homosexual?”

James flushed. “Yes, that! That was just a joke, right?” He laughed nervously.

“Of course not! Why would I joke about something like that? In fact, there are quite a few species of deer that are homosexual, such as fallow deer, mule deer, swamp deer, reindeer-”

“But I’m not!” James blurted, looking horrified. “I have nothing against them, but I like Lily! I don’t want to suddenly crush on someone like _Sirius!_ ”

“No need to make such an _elk_ about it, James. You’re a _cervine,_ after all, you should learn to accept your nature,” Remus said with a bland smile.

“…I think I should try to ask Lily out again. Maybe she’ll say yes this time,” James announced suddenly before darting out of the room.

“How in Merlin’s name do you know so many random animal facts?” Peter asked in amazement.

“I read a lot,” Remus said mysteriously.

“Do you know any more interesting ones?”

Remus thought for a while. “Well… rats are ticklish. Are you?”

“Ehm… maybe just a little,” Peter admitted.

“And hmm… let’s see… oh, I got one! Rats can mate and breed under 5 seconds or less,” Remus exclaimed. “So you might want to be careful if you encounter a female rat, you wouldn’t want any baby Peters scurrying around!”

Peter went green. “Forget I asked,” He muttered before running out of the dorm room as well.

Remus shook his head and pulled out his homework. “People just can’t appreciate good animal facts these days…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Marauders love their puns. How can they resist using a pun when the opportunity presents itself? Some would cringe at their dog-awful puns, but others would probably find it endeering...


	6. A Galleon For A Name

“Hey Cresswell! Aubrey! Sign this for a galleon!” James called, waving a roll of parchment.

“Are you _bribing_ people?” Remus asked disbelievingly, watching as James handed each student a galleon.

“No, I’m just giving them some… _incentive_ to join my cause,” James said defensively.

“But I thought you already had Dumbledore on your side?” Peter questioned. “Why do you still need them to join your cause?”

“I do, but even though I got him to reduce the number of times that _thing_ is served per week, he still hasn’t removed it from the menu as he _claims_ that dish is too popular with the majority of the Hogwarts population,” James huffed.

“So this sheet…?” Remus queried, glancing at the heavily underlined title ‘S.O.D.’ above a long list of names.

“Well, Dumbledore said that if I could get at least three quarters of the Hogwarts population to sign this sheet, then he’d consider removing my _deer_ completely from the menu,” James replied.

“But you didn’t even tell people what they’re signing!” Peter exclaimed.

James waved his hand dismissively. “Meh. It doesn’t matter. The only thing I need from them are their names, and most of them will happily do it for just one galleon. I already got quite a number of Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs to sign it, but I’m aiming to for the whole of Hogwarts so that Dumbledore will have no choice but to comply with my request.”

“Why didn’t you ask any of us to sign, then?” Sirius finally spoke up.

“Oh I already put your names down,” James responded, pointing to the top of the sheet where four names were scrawled messily.

“But you didn’t pay us!” Sirius protested.

“Yeah, but you guys are my friends and are supposed to support me, so I shouldn’t need to pay you,” James countered.

“No, you should pay us more _because_ we’re your friends!” Sirius disagreed. “And I still don’t support your sod thing!”

“It’s ‘S.O.D.’, not sod!” James growled for the tenth time. “And whatever happened to ‘friendship is free’?”

“Wherever did you hear that nonsense? Nothing is free in life,” Sirius scoffed.

James opened his mouth to argue, but was distracted by a shout behind them.

“Hey, Potter!”

The four boys turned towards the student garbed in Slytherin colors.

“I heard you were handing out galleons, is it true?” The student demanded.

“Um, yeah. You just have to sign your name there,” James said, gesturing towards the S.O.D. sheet on the table.

“Alright.” The student shrugged, taking the offered quill.

After the student left, Sirius half-shouted, “That was Wilkes! He’s in Snape’s gang! Why are you associating with people like him?!”

James frowned at him. “I’m not _associating_ with him. I already told you that I needed everyone’s signatures, and that includes the Slytherins.”

“Even _Snivellus?_ ” Sirius shuddered.

“Yeah,” James grimaced.

“James,” Remus interjected. “When you said that you needed everyone’s signatures, do you mean _everyone?_ Like every single person in Hogwarts?”

“Yep.”

“Even the professors? And _Filch?_ ” Peter exclaimed.

“Uh huh. I’m going to need you guys to help me with that. And probably with some of the more difficult Slytherins as well,” James added as an afterthought.

Sirius crossed his arms. “No way. I’m not going to help you remove venison from Hogwarts!”

“I’ll pay you-”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Try harder, Prongs. Bribery doesn’t work on me. My dear mother may not be very fond of me, but she wouldn’t dare allow the Black heir to go to Hogwarts without a large sum of money at his disposal. It wouldn’t do for people to think that the Black family is broke, after all.”

“Alright then, I’ll ask my uncle to send you that wonderful chocolate from Switzerland. Remember that chocolate? The one that’s flecked with spots of gold on a creamy chocolatey-”

“I’m not Remus.”

Remus looked put out. “What’s _that_ supposed to mean?”

James threw his hands in the air. “I’ll get you a date with that girl you were moaning about yesterday! Or any girl in Hogwarts!”

Sirius snorted. “Oh, please. You can’t even get a date with Evans. And I’m done moping about that girl. She wasn’t that great anyway.”

“Only because she rejected you,” Peter muttered.

Sirius shot him a baleful glare. “Rude. Anyway Prongs, are you done yet? Nothing’s going to change my mind, y’know, so you might as well stop trying.”

“If you don’t help me,” James shuffled closer and whispered, “I’ll tell Remus that you were the one that stole from his chocolate stash.”

Sirius paled. “You _wouldn’t._ ”

James smirked. “Wouldn’t I?”

“You’re supposed to be my friend,” Sirius hissed. “Friends don’t blackmail each other!”

“I suppose you’re right,” James conceded. “Though I thought friends were also supposed to help each other when one asks for it.”

“That’s _insane,_ Prongs- I can’t choose between giving up venison and facing a mad and _terrifying_ werewolf!” Sirius snarled.

“Hmm… I wonder how Remus would react when he discovers that the same person stole his chocolate again. Last time he nearly destroyed the entire dormitory and chased said person all the way to the Forbidden Forest. What would he do this time?” James contemplated quietly.

Sirius gritted his teeth. “Fine. _Fine!_ I’ll help you with your stupid campaign! Just don’t tell Remus what I did!”

James smiled and clapped Sirius on the shoulder. “I knew you would come around, old chap!”

“Yeah, by threatening me,” Sirius muttered darkly.

“And you two? You’ll be helping, right?” James addressed Remus and Peter with an expectant look.

“I guess,” Remus replied hesitantly, wondering what was said during the whispered exchange.

“Yeah, beef is better than venison anyway,” Peter shrugged.

James clapped his hands together. “Great! We’ll be splitting up the work, so Remus will do the Ravenclaws, Peter the Hufflepuffs while I take the Gryffindors."

“What about me?” Sirius asked, dreading the answer.

“You, my friend, will be convincing your Slytherin friends to join our cause!” James proclaimed.

“What? No way! And they’re not my friends!” Sirius snapped.

“Maybe not, but you’re familiar them! And you know all of their names too!”

“Well, it’s no use insulting someone if you don’t know their name, is it?” Sirius said grumpily. “And I can’t shout ‘Hey, Slytherin!’ if there are other Slytherins around either because no one would know who I’m speaking to!”

“You can start with something small like the first year Slytherins. Or even Regulus,” James suggested as he handed each Marauder a roll of parchment and a small bag of Galleons.

“Don’t _talk_ to me about Regulus,” Sirius growled. “I’m not _speaking_ to that person right now.”

“You know, your reasoning for it this time is _really_ ridiculous,” Remus sighed.

“It’s _not_ ridiculous! I’m supposed to be the older one! It’s not fair at all!” Sirius whined.

Remus rolled his eyes. “Oh, grow up.”

“That’s what I’m _trying_ to do!” Sirius shouted as James shoved him towards the Slytherin table.

“Is it wise to allow Sirius of all people near the Slytherins?” Peter wondered aloud.

“Nothing that involves Sirius and Slytherins together is ever wise,” Remus managed to say before James dragged him over to the Ravenclaw table.

“Shouldn’t someone keep an eye on him then?” Peter said to the empty air.


	7. Get Over It, Sirius!

Sirius approached his younger brother. “Regulus,” He gritted out.

Regulus raised an eyebrow. “Oh, you’re talking to me now?”

Sirius ignored him. “Your signature is required here.” He jabbed his finger at the parchment in his hand.

Regulus frowned and drew closer to read the sheet. “S.O.D.? Is that supposed to stand for something?”

“It’s an abbreviation for ‘Save Our Deer’, because apparently the population of deer is diminishing in Britain. The cause of this drop in population is due to wizard hunters, who murder deer just to feed the undeserving human beings in this school,” Sirius droned impassively.

Regulus blinked. “Were those lines scripted?” He asked.

“All ambassadors of S.O.D. are required to recite that,” Sirius stated monotonously.

“Wizard hunters can’t be the only cause of the fall in deer population,” Regulus said thoughtfully. “I mean, it’s probably one of the main causes, but surely there are other factors involved? For instance, changing weather, competition with other deer species-”

“Oh just sign this bloody sheet and take your stupid Galleon!” Sirius burst out.

“…you’re a terrible campaigner, you know?”

“I don’t give a damn if I’m the worst campaigner in the world,” Sirius grouched. “James bullied me into doing this, and since there’s no way out, I’m just trying to get it done as fast as possible.”

“Alright. I’ll sign that sheet,” Regulus paused. “But on one condition.”

Sirius groaned, “What do you want now?”

“For you to quit sulking,” Regulus replied blandly.

“I’m not sulking!” Sirius cried.

Regulus crossed his arms. “Oh yeah? You’ve been glaring at me ever since we returned from the holidays.”

Sirius snorted. “Don’t think you’re special, I glare at all the Slytherins.”

“And you make all those… remarks whenever we pass each other in the hallways,” Regulus added.

“What, Mister _High_ and Mighty can’t take an insult?” Sirius sneered.

“See, this is exactly what I mean!” Regulus snapped. “Just get over it, will you?”

“I’m not going to ‘get over it’ because there’s nothing to get over,” Sirius huffed.

“Well, stop being in denial, then!”

“I’m not in denial!”

“Just because you can’t accept that-”

“There’s nothing to accept! It’s a trick, an illusion!”

“Oh, please. Why would I want to do that?”

“To get back at me for threatening to hang your teddy bear ‘Snuffles’!”

“I already did, remember? By giving you a ‘haircut’ when you were sleeping? And there’s no spell to do something like that!”

“Yeah, right. There’s a spell to make your nose ten feet long, so I’d bet that there’s a spell for that too!”

“You really need to stop being a child about this.”

“I’m not being a child about anything! _You’re_ the child! And you’re supposed to _stay_ a child!”

“I’m _supposed_ to stay a child?? If I’m the child, then you’re the baby!”

“Me! A baby! Yeah, right! You’re the one that wore diapers until you were four!”

“Must you bring that up every single time we have an argument?!”

“What, can’t handle the truth, Reggie?”

“You’re one to talk about not handling the truth!”

“Lalala! I can’t hear you!”

“For Merlin’s sake! Why can’t you just accept-”

“LALALALALA!”

“-that I’m-”

“ABCDEFGH-REGULUS-IS-A-CRYBABY!!”

“-THAT I’M TALLER THAN YOU!” Regulus yelled over Sirius’ loud singing.

Sirius gasped, “How dare you say that?! You’re not taller than me!”

Regulus rolled his eyes. “I’m _one and a half_ inches taller than you. Just because you didn’t notice I got a growth spurt-”

“ _What_ growth spurt?? There was _no_ growth spurt! You came back and _boom!_ You were suddenly as tall as a bloody giraffe!” Sirius said angrily.

“Hey, it’s not my fault if I have the better genes! Or that your ‘make Regulus shorter’ campaign failed!”

“It didn’t fail! It didn’t work only because you didn’t grow normally! You used some spell or potion to make yourself grow faster!” Sirius yelled.

Regulus scoffed. “You just don’t want to admit that your ‘campaign’ _sucked._ ”

“It did not! It was a great plan, but you went and ruined it!”

Regulus let out a noise of aggravation. “How is forcing me to eat ‘short people food’ a great plan? And just because there’s the word ‘short’ in front of a food like ‘short ribs’ and ‘short beans’ does _not_ mean that it makes you short!”

“Yeah well, if it doesn’t make you short, then why don’t you eat it?”

“Because I don’t like it!” Regulus shouted in exasperation.

“Hmph. Yeah, right. You’re just trying to cover up the fact that you don’t want to be shorter than me.”

“Remind me how I’m related to you again?” Regulus sighed.

“Just sign this bloody thing so that we can get back to our lives,” Sirius grumbled, practically shoving the parchment in his brother’s face.

“Oh fine. And you should know that the younger sibling usually grows taller than their older sibling,” Regulus told him.

At Sirius’ disbelieving snort, he continued, “Just take a look at our cousins! Narcissa is the tallest among her sisters! Or even other families, like the Prewetts, Bones or Lestranges!”

“Whatever. Here’s your Galleon,” Sirius snarled as he pulled out a gold coin and snatched back the parchment.

Regulus raised a hand. “Keep it. You might need it to cure your… _bruised ego._ ” He finished with a smirk.

“Why you little…” Sirius growled, reaching forwards to grab his brother in a headlock.

Regulus dodged Sirius’ outstretched hands and darted towards the other end of the corridor. “Hey, since I’m the taller one, people will probably mistake me for the older one too!” He hollered as a parting shot.

“I hate you!” Sirius yelled as Regulus’ laughs drifted down the corridor.


End file.
